impulsive, incessant

I’ve wondered; are there really groups of friends out there? Handfuls of people who go to each others’ homes and do something (or nothing)? I’ve experienced such a phenomenon with individuals, but never more than a few people at a time, and never people who are as close with each other as they are to me: In other words, they’re only there because I asked them to be and they obliged.

I’ve been considering it recently because lately I’ve been feeling so isolated. My attempts to see my friends are all in vain. Connections I thought were strong are fading. As I know too well, relationships of any sort require maintenance and care. Leave them too long and they wither away. With them, I tend to wither, too.

It’s not my intention to make my friends feel bad. I understand that we are all individual people dealing with our own shit on our own time, and the failure to see each other is sometimes due to nothing more than a logistical clusterfuck.

But when everyone is busy, or, in my most juvenile way of thinking, “ignoring me”, I begin to question if the issue isn’t actually just me. It seems I haven’t outgrown insecurity.

Said insecurity has me checking my phone impulsively and incessantly. It’s definitely not healthy, and I’m hardly proud to admit it. My phone lights up and my stomach flutters that someone has finally replied(!), but 50% of the time my eyes have fooled me, and 49% of the time it’s another fucking pinterest email. And, sometimes my boyfriend or mom will text me. (Thank you. I love you.)

I don’t mind being alone, but feeling lonely fucks me up.